“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize we only have one.”
Tom Hiddleston
First, I’d like to say, welcome to The Icy Cold Mind blog. As you read through my pages, posts, etc., hopefully, you will find who I am as a person, learn new things, and better understand why I am the way that I am.
Today, I come to you with open heart and open mind. If you are a first time reader of my life story, welcome. Here, you will find that you are NOT alone in this world. There are others who has gone through what you have gone through, faced obstacles that you couldn’t go through alone, life events that’s hard to understand and harder to forget. Right here, you will find a safe haven. No judgments. No ridicules. Nothing but pure understanding, 100% undivided attention, all ears, and I give you my sincere heart. I know what it’s like to struggle through so much. Trust me when I say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
In the 23 years of my life, never have I ever fathom experiencing more than half of the crap I have gone through. I thought, by being “Miss Goody-Two Shoes,” a do-gooder, a “perfect” little angel, I could live a full vigorous life. A life where I had good friends, amazing parents, have everything that I deserved, live in a loving home, find the love of my life, etc.. But that was all a life. A facade! Till this day, I have always wondered where I went all wrong in life. Was I being too sensitive? Was I too boring for people? Maybe too honest? Not cool enough? What was it?
For 23 years, I have tried fixing ME! I tried changing my ways so others can like me. I tried being cool enough so I can be out of the house and “party” with the cool crowd. I even became a cheerleader. But the funny thing is, I never became popular. I never fit in with the cool crowd. I was never good enough to be anybody. People still didn’t know me. People still hated me for no apparent reason. People still tried to bully me. And I still don’t get why. All my life, I tried fitting in. But I still can’t seem to find the right group or the right people who I can trust 100% of my life. Let me take you back to the first day I remember the rest of my life.
There I was, innocent little 5 maybe 6-year-old girl. As I was getting touched, and caressed, my mind created a blockage that hid this traumatic day deep behind my mind. My innocence was gone that day. Like Bella from Twilight, I became a shield; “Her mind is impenetrable; no one can read her thoughts unless she allows it. She can shield herself from all types of psychic attacks and learns to shield those around her.”
One memory that will NEVER leave my life was my own father abusing me for either no reason or for something very small. He was a drunk. A huge mother fuck*** drunk! Every chance he could get, whatever it is I did, he would find the smallest thing to punish me. Nowadays, people might see it as a “disciplinary action,” but not all bumps and bruises created on my body was a “disciplinary action.” In a way, I was lucky those bumps and bruises were hidden from the world, but they weren’t hidden for me. I remember taking a piece of MY chocolate bar and eating it. My dad caught me and started beating me in front of my friends. IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!!!! I don’t know if they understood what was going on or even remember that day, but it’s messed up! He came home drunk and beat me in front of my friends for a damn piece of chocolate. But until the age of 9, two years after moving here in California, the beating continued until one day, something changed his mind. He says it was because he had a change of heart. He became the son of God. He went to church more. He stopped smoking and drinking. He’s in a new country. But I knew it was because we were in a new country with different rules. And I was a child with a big mouth that can say anything they want to say and its automatically the truth, at least back in those days where proof wasn’t really much-needed as it does now. But that was my first ever recollection of the day(s) that will forever haunt me.
Fast forward to the ages between 12 through 18, these years was absolutely the worse years of my life. These years were definitely the years that started it all for me. So, let me start with 7th and 8th grade year (12-14 years of age). I was the new kid at school. No one knew me and I didn’t know anyone. I thought I was going to make new friends, start a better life, live an awesome life starting at that point, and whatever else 7th and 8th grade girls thought of. But once again, I was wrong. Probably except a handful of people, everyone got their hands on bullying me. I was called names, blamed for things that I was never even a part or aware of until getting in trouble, made fun of, and the whole school hating on me and not speaking to me. Now that hurt. I would never have thought of the whole school, or at least what felt like the whole school, hating on one person for a long period of time because everyone chose the wrong side of the story. For those wondering, I was called, a transvestite, born a man, a lesbian, fat, ugly, etc.. Of course now, that’s accepted into the world, but back then, being new to society and only being a child and people calling me these names, it felt like a katana sword piercing through my heart. I was even blamed for someone’s test because apparently I graded it or something, so my teacher had to talk to me about cheating or whatever, when 1) I have NEVER written anybody’s paper before 2) it was math class, so how was that even possible of me writing that person’s paper 3) I never graded a single paper in my life at that point, or at least not tests. I ended up asking that girl what the hell happened and all she could tell me “I don’t know.” Like she was oblivious to the whole thing. UNTIL her whole “gang” of friends came and tore me to pieces (metaphorically). They called me a liar, a cheater, and so many other things. And when her “possy” came around, she all of a sudden knew what they were talking about. After that day, everyone from what feels like the whole school, even the preschoolers, was all against me. I talked to maybe two or three people who were kind enough to not care what was going on and made me feel like at least I had someone to talk to. What felt like centuries of silence from everyone lasted maybe a week or two.
After middle school was over, high school finally started for me. Freshman year was hell! It was the year I found out what suicide truly meant. I ended up transferring to an all girls’ private school. Rumors about private school is half-true. Obviously there are some who are lesbians, that’s a given. They aren’t really that sexually active or how movies perceive them as sex crazed Catholic girls. There were bitches, but then again, there will always be that one bitch wherever you go. I guess you can say that the allegations of private church schools are mostly true. Just honestly depends on where you go and what year we went. Like I said, freshman year was hell! Long story short, I mixed in with the wrong crowd. A crowd I thought wouldn’t turn their backs on me even after protecting them from the outside world. So, I decided to kill myself on my 14th birthday that year. Everything was going wrong. I thought being in high school things were going to change. New people. New life. New everything. I counted down to the very last day of my last day on earth. I told two guy friends of my plan. Took them until the last week to realize I was serious. They ended up telling their teacher who told my guidance counselor. They were from our “brother” school, an all boys’ private school. I was caught. My parents got a call of my plan and was called in to my guidance counselor talking about why I said what I said. Luckily, the guidance counselor ruled it as stress. So I lied. I made them hear what they needed to hear. As you can tell, I never went through my plan. What I did instead, after my freshman year, I transferred to a public school. And life was so much better! I had better friends. Better experience. Better attitude. Better life!
Sophomore year to my Senior year was pretty good for the most part. Not much drama. I honestly thought, I was going to create enemies and get into fights and get into trouble, but never happened. Until my senior year where I had a misunderstanding with my best friend at that time. All I want to say that it was over something real stupid. I lost my friends for half of my senior year. My senior PROM sucked! And I basically started all over again with a different group. After that, life… well life is life.
This is basically just the gist of my childhood to adolescent.
Throughout the rest of my blog, I will add bits and pieces of my life that I haven’t mentioned or might have to repeat to better understand the concept of my post. For now, this is the beginning of my life story. I have left some major parts so that I may have a separate post all about that life topic.
Bare with me until the end of my blog! Thank you for staying through my life journey so far. If you’re just getting up, good morning, but if you’re going to bed, good night! And I will see you guys on my next post! ♥
The Icy Cold Mind 